The Madrasi talks guilt, an unlikely companion of death

As a living, breathing, and feeling entity, it is natural to mourn and grieve a loss. Death might be a certainty for us, but it sure isn’t easy because it comes with a sense of finality. At the end of the road, there’s no more. An abrupt end, even when it is anticipated. The last breath is truly and utterly final, there’s no magic stone that you can turn to bring them back. They say time numbs the pain of a loss, but the prick of guilt never wanes. What if? The question assaults you with relentless absurdity. What if I had rushed home? What if I never left? What if I knew this? What if I said that? What if I had done this or that? A fresh wave of pain washes over you, every single time the guilt pricks.

There is no ‘one fine morning, I moved on.’ The unlikeliest of things whisk you away to revisit the memories – a smell, or a song, a picture, or a feeling. The guilt pricks at your side as you riffle through the memories. You either hurriedly shut it down and look away or reminisce about treasured times through the pain.

Is it possible to disassociate guilt and grief? so you can just grieve in peace. I don’t know. But I have noticed a pattern through the years. You feel guilty only when you feel responsible in some way. There is no way to know how things could’ve turned out even if all your ‘what if?’ questions are answered. So, there is no way to know. They are bleak possibilities that your brain concocts to justify the pain it unleashes onto you.

I am not old enough nor have I experienced a loss that acute, but I believe guilt is not the answer. It is too heavy a burden to bear for the rest of your life. By some absurdity, if the magic stone worked, they would only come back to tell you to not feel that guilt and it is the way it is, ease off that heavy burden and cherish the memories that you treasure. Easier said than done. Borrowing a quote here, “One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Don’t look back, Don’t look ahead. Just stay in that one minute. In that one minute you have to stay strong, stay sane, and stay healthy.”